IN THE PRESENT. FOR NOW.

19:33 I SAY THAT THIS IS COMPLETE FOR THE TIME BEING. JULY 24TH 2024.

I listen to the Disco Elysium sound track once again and feel the pit in my stomach develop. It's a good feeling. My feet tingle from having my legs crossed for too long. Sensation is GOOD. Feeling is GOOD. I love my freinds and family dearly. Tonight I hope I dream about something good.

The prospect of getting a job is being brought up more and more. I'm conflicted. I need to get one, I need to grow up, but I also don't really want one. All I hope is that I can work somewhere somewhat peaceful. It's WEIRD growing up. I don't consider myself to have an age in the most normal way possible, if that's even possible. I feel like once I start working I'll never stop, and part of me doesn't want my days of doing nothing to go away. I don't want to grow up! But I also do! Deep deep down I feel like getting a job will mean that my childhood is officially ending and I hate it. But there is also so much ahead of me. But I can't let go!!!! I'm going to have to. I will 'grow up' but I'm always going to be the same. I'm always going think the same and breathe the same and I'll never give up my interests. Even when I'm, say, 50 and I work a good job I'll still deep down like the things I do now. It'll still be me.

I look at adults and I think "that is the same person that was also 5 once and they still have the same brain, albeit matured. Everyone's a child. All of us have a childs brain but we live the lives of people who aren't children. That provides some comfort to me. I hope that this website will be up for as long as it can. I hope I'll be 50 and I'll come here and scroll down and read all of this, just like how I intend to do with my physical journals. Archival purposes, yes.

It's now 23:54. I can't always gaurentee that I will write here frequently, let alone everyday. I have a bad habit of not writing things when I want to or should, but I am getting better at that. I think that I can access this site with ease at any given point will help. I'm beginning to feel and think things and I remind myself don't make life decisions or think too hard past 9 pm. Do you know I really love my friends? I really do. I have 5 friends. Two are in real life. I don't talk to one of them much. I have 3 online friends. Two of them I talk to every day and one I don't talk to much very often and it sometimes makes me sad. I tried to talk to someone in real life again but I don't think it's working out. They're nice but we just don't really click and that's okay. I have a hard time being real. I really do. I don't know how to explain it.

I'm a little afraid to write everything in my mind down because if I'm being honest I don't like people knowing what I'm truly deeply thinking. I feel shame and regret when I open up sometimes.

I think I might replay Disco Elysium again.

An image I edited, and the Kim cat I have in my Kim museum. I may put more images of it at a later date, it's pretty cool.

It's technically the 25th now. It's 1:53 and I'm laying in my bed with my shit laptop on my lap while I listen to music that makes me feel weird and numb like I'm at the bottom of a pool. I read all of this guys neocities. I think the site was called metamorphasis or something, but it was great. He wrote about lots of topics and it felt nice to read about his miserable life. I say his life was miserable because he said that in his own words pretty much. The whole thing spanned over multiple years and at the end of it he wrote about being in love with some girl. Anyways, I really liked reading it. I like to take a peek into peoples lives and their minds. Now my arm aches and I really should sleep. I took my medicine and I'm waiting for it to really start kicking in so I can try and sleep. Sometimes when I'm about to fall asleep I hallucinate. It's perfectly normal to hallucinate just before you sleep, but most people aren't aware and don't remember so it doesn't scare them. But for me, when I try and sleep at night when my mind is still active I hallucinate. I've seen my cousin dancing on the edge of my bed, a bundle of those tinsel looking balloons at dollar stores in the middle of my room, scary figures, and most funnily just a PNG of the Hancock Funko. Just 2 nights ago I saw the scary figure. My mind wasn't tired but my body was, and I opened my eyes and I saw this weird pair of eyes looking back and then it melted into a weird figure and I bolted up. It's not shit your pants nightmare kind of scary, but it's startling and I don't like it. I really don't like staying up late. There's nobody to talk to and the world feels weird, but I don't know why I do it. I think it's just easier to stay up late rather than go to bed early and get up at a normal time. One time, during the winter of this year I really liked talking to this one guy from Germany and I would wake up at 2 or 3 am sometimes to talk to him. But usually he was at school at that time so I was just kind of awake real early. I like being up early actually. I feel productive and I personally think it's great. I hear people say they like to stay up late because they can be alone and it's peaceful and whatever edgy stuff. But I think it's the reverse. Every edgy teenager stays up real late and thinks to themself they are alone and deep dark. But no! If you really want to be alone and really have some peace you have to wake up at 2 or 3 or 4 am. Not a lot of people are awake at that time and the only people who wake up at 5 am are average joes who get ready to go to work. The only downside is you have to go to sleep early, or else you will be tired as hell. I once went out at 5 am in some random city and it was great. I went to a gas station and I just walked around. The same day at a later time I got locked out of my hotel room and it was some big deal and I was so lucky I didn't get locked out when I went out early in the morning, otherwise things wouldn't have been pretty. My mother would have killed me.

I'm real sorry I wrote so much. When it's late I just like to write till I can't no more. If anyones reading this, you don't have to read that. You don't have to read any of this ever. But if you are that means a lot to me. Though it means a whole lot more if I don't know you and you're reading this. I'm even more just some guy on the internet if you know nothing.